you are cordially invited to peek into the inner workings of the machine known as kobe
july 17 2023 lifes like a subway sandwich. its what you make of it. i think i made myself a loser sandwich. i dont mean that in a negative connotation, i mean it more like how a cheerleader, and a jock, and a goth person are more than the sterotypes and boxes that we put them in. the stereotype i am is the loser and all it means is i have nowhere but up to go. believe me; im a 23 year old college dropout, no gf, no close friends from childhood, deadend job, no car, gonna live with my family forever, infinitely poor, 5'5, shitty hairline, not good at sports (aka plays videogames all day), introverted weeb, and the universe probably wants me dead! but yknow, spider-man is half of those things and hes spider-man.
i guess ive looked up to losers all my life if i really think about it. spider-man is cursed to be a loser forever. half the power rangers and kamen riders are losers. spongebobs never moving up in life and he doesnt care. the simpsons and the malcolm in the middles make it work.
hey! remember that thing i said earlier about jocks and whatever? im a loser but im still cool. like naruto. i might be weird but im fine with that. i dont want anyone else defining me. i wanna be able to make my own choices and fail on my own. im doing fine and i dont need to be told what to do. i dont want to fake myself out to fit in. i wanna be me
july 18 2023 im really sick and tired of nobody treating me like a normal human being. i wish people would just talk to me like a normal person instead of making weird false images in their head of who i am. i dont wanna fake who i am. i dont wanna smile and talk and be happy if its disingenuous. im really confused why people go out of their way to bait me into conversation instead of just looking me in the eye and asking "so whatd you get from subway" or anything else other than "wow kobe youre the goat youre so sweet thank you so much" like what the fuck you want me to say
july 19 2023 holy shit its fucking july what the hell. heres some songs that get me through the day
july 20 2023 i remember in elementary school and middle school, adults would always say i needed to work on my attitude, to smile and raise my hand or some other bullshit. it really pissed me off that i couldnt just be quiet and be a normal person at the same time. the sad truth is i feel like im regressing to being an elementary schooler again. i wake up to spend 8 hours a day at some hell hole with adults who dont care about me. i cant drive. i have no money. i cant run away from home even if i felt like it. i used to be able to do whatever the hell i wanted on my days off. how the fuck was i happier during the pandemic? i really dont feel normal. i dont understand how people can move so fast. i feel stuck.
it still eats me up to know that every old friendship i had is just gone. 10+ years of knowing people just thrown away cause these mfs chose drugs over real live breathing people. it hurts so much because these were the people that helped to open me up and be comfortable to be myself. i think about them everyday because i cant stop. its hard to forget an entire childhood of memories. what swells up inside of me isnt nostalgia, just misery and rage. the people who i talk the most to nowadays (tommy and marcus) i dont even really talk to. we just stay on voice call to play games. i dont feel like im talking to them more like just communicating how to win.
i hate adults. i really do. adults are the reason why this country is so fucked, why we had to go through a pandemic instead of a flu season, why so many children suffer. i wonder when ill get over this hatred. maybe when adults treat me like more than just a dumb kid who cant handle his own weight.
dear mike, i miss you so much. im sad and angry everyday because i have to be, for you. nobody else is angry at those assholes for you, nobody else is angry at the world for you, nobody else heard how much pain and anguish was going on through your heart and i hate it so much. before you left you made me promise to live for the both of us and these past 2 years ive felt so bad because i havent been able to do any of that. im just toiling away making money for other people, cooped up in my room, using my actual voice to speak up probably 5 times a day. i wanna go out and try to eat every sushi and to watch every movie in theatres and to play every game ever made and all these other things for you but im stuck feeling sorry for myself. im sorry mike. im sorry i couldnt save you. im sorry i havent been able to live up to our promise. ill try doing something this weekend. please keep looking out for me. love kobe
july 21 2023 new piercing new me
july 31 2023 i finally remember my purpose in life... ill live to prove the entire world wrong MUAHAHAHAHA
august 1 2023 t-minus 70 days until my birthday and i turn 24. im feeling a lot better about myself this year than i did last year, the year before that, and so on. it sounds kinda crazy cause of the way ive been complaining about things for the last couple months but its all a part of the process. i can finally see a future ahead for me. if i were an animal id be a caterpillar in the cacoon/chrysalis stage. soon ill be the butterfly/moth/dragon/whateverthefuck im supposed to be. i am kinda anxious though. if im the only one who can accept myself will i be ok with that?
october 29 2023 after turning 24 nothing really feels better. still the same shitty situation with my family, my former friends, my job, etc. my entire life is a mess rn. to answer my previous question, i dont even think i can accept myself. i dont know if theres a hole in the world i can carve out for myself. i poured out my heart at the interview at miniso and like if they really dont want me then damn im really not fit enough to work at a damn toy shop. what do i even do now?
my heart is still a dark pit with only misery and rage to fill it. im sick of it.